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Gird Your Loins

August 11, 2012

A new product ’18 Again’ has hit the Indian market. A vaginal tightening gel, the advertisement left us mildly bemused.

With her newly tautened privates, the saree-clad lady seems in remarkably good cheer, given she apparently ‘feels like a virgin’ and ‘it’ (it presumably being sex), ‘feels like the very first time’. Namely awkward, painful, inexperienced fumbling? Ah well! There’s no accounting for tastes, not least the fantasies of the Indian man.

Regardless, we think this is a step in the right direction. Virgins being a scarce commodity these days, a handy at-home converter for any sacrifices you may have planned is a thoughtfully designed product indeed. (The makers of ’18 Again’ are unclear on what to do with those of us who escaped the wastelands of virginity before 18, but there you have it. You can’t please everyone, certainly not those sluts who didn’t even wait till they were legal). The makers of 18 Again are hoping for strong revenues on the back of exponential domestic demand.

As this article details, the Indian vagina now caters to a broad spectrum of consumer taste and preference. Backed by a strong commitment to product diversification, the Indian vagina is set to enter the 21st century  with applications and appliances, room fresheners and Christmas trees. Needless to say, we are delighted; our only grouse being that the products are somewhat limited in scope and vision. And so with an eye to the future we present a small list of potential uses and a plea that we all broaden, rather than tighten, our imagination.

The Vagwig

From Salman Khan to Amitabh Bacchan, male pattern baldness is a ubiquitous affliction of the modern Indian man. A good hair weave can set you back several thousand rupees. But why  waste your hard-earned shekels when the solution lies literally under your nose? Instead of letting this font of cornocopic abundance go to waste in brazilians and such like, we present the Vagwig: For pates of every persuasion and dimension.

Fig 1.1

For those nostalgic for the lost era of glamrock, this handy dye will take you right back to David Bowie.

Vagriculture

It is true; the vagina has limited functionality. But it is, however, particularly skilled at reproduction. But with characteristic lack of foresight, output is currently restricted to the propagation of merely our species. Instead, to fully harness the fecundity of which woman is capable we present Vagriculture: a kitchen garden in your kitchen! No added chemicals, pesticides or fertilizers. Locally produced, organic, artisanal production.

Fig 1.2

Valtoid

A company called ‘Linger’ recently offered a minty fresh solution to the problem of vaginas tasting like vaginas.Here at Kafila we present a novel new product, aimed at the discerning consumer: Vaginal flavored mints. Keep your breath sweet-smelling all day.

Fig 1.3

VCloud

Speaking of agriculture,with its unerring foresight the Met department has now announced what the nation already knew. Things are bad folks, a drought is nigh. But, if properly treated, the vagina is a constantly renewable source of moisture (See Fig 1.4). No more anxious waiting for the rainclouds to darken our shores. With the correct care and attention the VCloud will insure the monsoon need no longer be an annual event.

Fig 1.4

VID

Under the able guidance of Nandan Nilekani, we are eagerly awaiting the advent of the information revolution in everyday life. Sadly the UID has run aground. Never fear, a workable alternative is at hand, the VID. A fully electronic, biometric, informatic card: a single swipe determines if you’re an asshole.

Fig 1.5

Vajraa-Vahini

Male plugs are universally in need of female sockets. We present the Motherlode of Voltage: Yoni-Yamini, Vajraa-Vahini, Vidyut-Tarang-Tatini, Apalachapala Chanchal Chudamani.

Fig 1.6

Monkey Wrench

To tighten the screws of nuts everywhere.

Fig 1.7

And finally,

The Vaginocular, the camera so lucida so obscura, all-seeing eye.

Fig 1.8

When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see,

For all the day they view things unrespected;

But when I sleep, in dreams they look on thee,

And darkly bright are bright in dark directed.

Then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright,

How would they shadow’s form form happy show

To the clear day with thy much clearer light,

When to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so!

—Sonnet XLIII

So there you have it gentle readers. A catalog of ideas for small medium enterprises and our humble contribution to the Indian entrepreneurial spirit that the Newsweek so admired. Instead of uselessly hanging around ejecting infants, inhaling penises and contracting yeast infections, the vagina can now earn its keep. Not being product designers ourselves, we are sure you can do better than our modest effort here. Send us your ideas (accompanied by  drawings) and we will feature our top favourites. We eagerly await your submissions.

From our drawing board to yours,

K.L.P.D

[Kafila Line of Product Design]

44 Comments leave one →
  1. Aarti Sethi permalink*
    August 11, 2012 2:35 AM

    Dear Readers,

    Due to the nature of this post we will be forced to moderate comments with a heavier hand than usual. Our editorial team is travelling and so do forgive us if your comment takes longer than usual to appear.

    Regards,
    Aarti

    • Shohini Ghosh permalink
      August 11, 2012 10:14 AM

      I haven’t laughed so much in a LONG time. Thanks Aarti!

  2. madhumita das permalink
    August 11, 2012 10:56 AM

    thank you.. this was needed quite badly

  3. Bindu Menon permalink
    August 11, 2012 11:39 AM

    Aarti..I am laughing my head off! I am sure many others too.. much needed.Thank You!

  4. ratna permalink
    August 11, 2012 11:52 AM

    very very funny…
    but youve missed out on how a now our rapidly geriatric population will have some sex-citing collective googling and goggling activity available to them, thanks to the under 18 incentive that they have belatedly learnt about!

    More disturbing than the product and the gyrating salsa dancer is the chap from curry nation who pitches this gel as “empowering women”!

  5. Nivedita Menon permalink*
    August 11, 2012 12:07 PM

    Readers may note that KLPD is a fellow subsidiary along with KATS (Kafila Anti-Terrorism Squad) of the KGB (Kafila Group of Businesses).

  6. Nivedita Menon permalink*
    August 11, 2012 12:12 PM

    Respected CEO, KLPD:
    Inspired by these products, may I offer the prototype of The Vagirant – the restlessly roaming vagina, that can be developed for micro-surveillance by government and privates agencies.

    • Rosanna permalink
      August 11, 2012 6:28 PM

      Haha….Nivedita you are funny too!! :)

  7. August 11, 2012 12:24 PM

    What about Vagino-GPS. Sex workers tell me men try to peer in looking for the world there!!!!

  8. Anuja Agrawal permalink
    August 11, 2012 12:43 PM

    This is very very wittty!! Thanks.

  9. Dhara permalink
    August 11, 2012 2:45 PM

    This is brilliant. I really needed a laugh and this one doled it out in huge helpings

  10. Chhaya Datar permalink
    August 11, 2012 3:15 PM

    It was very creative, including the drawings which I enjoyed immensely.
    Chhaya Datar

  11. Ina permalink
    August 11, 2012 3:23 PM

    Thank you for this! Truly.

  12. August 11, 2012 5:29 PM

    It is possible that on using this product, more due to psychological reasons than chemical ones, some users might enjoy themselves. there are some who psyche themselves into believing such ads.

  13. August 11, 2012 7:09 PM

    btw who wants there virginity back? it was bad enough first time.

  14. Rajiv Singh. permalink
    August 11, 2012 9:20 PM

    Creativity Par excellence…ha ha..:P

  15. Aradhana Seth permalink
    August 11, 2012 10:07 PM

    Can’t stop laughing Aarti—

  16. Inasu/poet-writer/Paris permalink
    August 11, 2012 11:39 PM

    Incisively hilarious this post. Laughed , laughed and laughed…..fantastic

  17. Aarti Sethi permalink*
    August 12, 2012 1:48 AM

    Dear Madams and Sirs,

    Thank you for your very kind words. It is our constant endeavor at K.L.P.D to hold ourselves to the very highest standards of customer satisfaction. We are constantly striving to answer to the needs and desires of our target base and provide the all-round excellence that we know you are used to, demand and deserve. Be assured our team will be with you all the way as you balance the challenging challenges of work, home, mohalla, tehsil, block, sub-district, district, state, nation, globe, ecosystem, solar system, galaxy and cosmos as the modern twenty-first-century Indian woman.

    Yours,
    Aarti Sethi
    Customer Care
    K.L.P.D
    [A subsidiary of K.G.B]

  18. August 12, 2012 2:02 AM

    The best one was Vaginal Flavoured mints.. LMAO

  19. Shimmy permalink
    August 12, 2012 2:03 AM

    made my “night”!! the mints(VALTOIDS) are stuck in my head! it might be super-glued in there! i LMFAO

  20. Barkha Sharda permalink
    August 12, 2012 4:00 AM

    Brilliant!

  21. voyeur permalink
    August 12, 2012 7:10 AM

    But really I have two questions about this -
    1) What are the health implications of this cream and that other bleaching cream? (Is there a gynaec in the house?) -

    2) Where are the “defenders of Indian culture”?

    • dude-and-a-half permalink
      August 13, 2012 2:45 PM

      3) Where are the penis-beautification products? Do guys really think their ‘Jimmies’ are so perfect already, given the phallus-worshipping culture that we live in? Or would an advertisement only embarass them because penis-improvement programmes are supposed to stay off-screen?

      • August 14, 2012 7:57 PM

        Of course they are. In fact, the Ashoka Pillar is our own tribute to the mighty phallus, font of wisdom, civilisation and culture.

        The humble vagina doesn’t stand a chance when pitted against the spectacularly glorious phallus.

        Women look down at their vjayjays with shame and fear. Men look down at their little darlings and glow with paternal pride.

        Have you ever heard a man worry that he might “smell” down there? Even those that imperiously demands BJs from their are convinced that their family jewels are perenially perfumed, fragrant as a rose garden. How could they not be, them the essence of manhood.

        The poor, much maligned vagina has no similar claim to fame, never mind that it’s the gateway all of humanity the entered the world from.

  22. August 12, 2012 10:45 AM

    one of the reads i shared so immediately. worth a read !

  23. Anumeha permalink
    August 12, 2012 12:38 PM

    that ‘linger’ mint ad actually reads: “If your vagina actually tastes like like a vagina” aha ha ha ha ha ha

  24. Sohail Hashmi permalink
    August 12, 2012 1:13 PM

    सना ख्वान ए ताक्दीस ए मशरिक (१) को लाओ
    यह article , ये photo ये comments दिखाओ

    १ पूर्व की पवित्रता का गुणगान करने वाले

    साहिर लुध्यानवी से क्षमा याचना के साथ

  25. Seema Kurup permalink
    August 12, 2012 1:39 PM

    whoa! this is one inspired piece of work. strongest statement ever made…am curious to know what came first – the illustrations or the writing? am sure someone had started a doodle first and it caught fire! best wishes & look forward to more product ideas from you… : ) love,

  26. rajeswari permalink
    August 12, 2012 5:53 PM

    loved it! what a piece , absolutely brilliant

  27. Kamal Vashisht permalink
    August 12, 2012 8:20 PM

    i will give it to you that you are creative. But apart from the supremely tasteless jokes that follow the video, I would like to point out that products like this are launched into mainstream FDA approved pharmaceuticals categories is because lets see..

    There might be a huge market for them. This company might even profit big time. You see there exists this huge element of ignorance with the average consumer. Now people need to know that the color of skin is a genetic expression and no creams can change it; or that there are kegel exercises for the stuff this product says can achieve; or that the color of ones genital and underarm area is darker and no cosmetics can change that. Marketing strategies are made to loot the consumer of their money and one shouldnt follow them blindly.

    A handful of women like you, who consider themselves educated and empowered and intelligent are not the voice of all the women in this country. There will be women who will jump at such products.

    It is because had the women havent been so conscious about their bodies, it would have been very difficult for the companies to come up with such products OK. Please try to be comfortable in your skin.

    And ladies please, stop comparing yourselves with those supermodels and blaming the society which supposedly demands you to look beautiful. Its because of your deep -rooted insecurities that these cosmetics lobbies thrive.

    Yes, its true to a certain extent that these companies tell you, whats the ideal fairness for an indian girl, or that the color of your underarms and vagina and rest of the body should be equally fair; but its your responsibilitiy not to give in to these cosmetic lobbies and their propongandas. Stop cribbing, Please.

    And seriously, the jokes were lame, boring and a waste of time.

    • August 14, 2012 8:02 PM

      Thank you, dear fellow, for showing us uppity “educated” women our place. We will now retire bashfully into our kitchens and strive to please you better with our cooking and not our humour.

  28. August 12, 2012 11:21 PM

    After vagina fairness cream and tightening gel I wish someone comes up with an innovative product… vanishing cream – a penis vanishing cream

  29. shubham permalink
    August 12, 2012 11:58 PM

    This was AWESOME!!!!! The illustrations were hilarious! Apt reply to the idiotism! Would love to see a similar thing on the underarms fairness cream as well! Promoted by Anushka Sharma!

  30. A-qew permalink
    August 13, 2012 1:09 AM

    Hahahah! Oddly enough, more than the crazy latin dancing around a pillar and grandma’s hopeful expression, the part that drives me craziest is the pseudo american accent saying ‘vaginal tightening cream’. Clearly when the English left, they took correct pronunciation with them.

  31. Ayushi permalink
    August 13, 2012 1:58 AM

    Devastatingly hilarious!
    Here I was thinking that the fairness creams and the size zero hurdles were all we had on the pedestal, now the dimensions of our caves also need to be designed for the excavators! Not long before they’ll have flavours for the milk we churn from our breasts!

    • August 14, 2012 8:11 PM

      In a few years, potentials suitors, sorry excavators, will also ask you if your red-blood cells are virginal enough or not and whether your pancreas are suitably feminine looking.

      Ladies, now that the vagina’s ugliness has been discovered and conquered, prepare yourselves for creams that whiten and tighten rectal cavities. Your man may wish to explore those too; and you know how embarrassingly dark they can be, don’t you? What will he think?

  32. Subhash Mendhapurkar permalink
    August 13, 2012 8:36 AM

    I and my wife both enjoyed it-Prem couldn’t stop loughing.Creativity at best – one business inquiry- to CEO KPLD- what is dealer commission? Is VAT applicable or it is taxfree especially for the chapies working in IT industry?

  33. damitr permalink
    August 13, 2012 5:10 PM

    This was really funny. Maybe KLPD people should file patents, before they get hunted by Patent Trolls!

  34. Freemorpheme permalink
    August 13, 2012 9:52 PM

    Deep very deep :p Respect! This could actually make such an awesome stop-motion feature :D with the sketches and text! :) Fab read Aarti :)

  35. August 14, 2012 5:25 PM

    brilliant piece of writing. hats off to Aarti Sethi!

  36. August 14, 2012 11:51 PM

    Here’s what I have to add!

    Matrimonial ads should now say:
    “Looking for virgins with tight vaginas ‘seemingly’ unused and of a certain size to reflect upon its chastity… ”
    The expressions “Getting into the pants” is coming up with a whole new meaning now. Very well done.

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  1. Taking responsibility for improving (?) men’s sex lives empowers women? | The Life and Times of an Indian Homemaker

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