Gird Your Loins
A new product ’18 Again’ has hit the Indian market. A vaginal tightening gel, the advertisement left us mildly bemused.
With her newly tautened privates, the saree-clad lady seems in remarkably good cheer, given she apparently ‘feels like a virgin’ and ‘it’ (it presumably being sex), ‘feels like the very first time’. Namely awkward, painful, inexperienced fumbling? Ah well! There’s no accounting for tastes, not least the fantasies of the Indian man.
Regardless, we think this is a step in the right direction. Virgins being a scarce commodity these days, a handy at-home converter for any sacrifices you may have planned is a thoughtfully designed product indeed. (The makers of ’18 Again’ are unclear on what to do with those of us who escaped the wastelands of virginity before 18, but there you have it. You can’t please everyone, certainly not those sluts who didn’t even wait till they were legal). The makers of 18 Again are hoping for strong revenues on the back of exponential domestic demand.
As this article details, the Indian vagina now caters to a broad spectrum of consumer taste and preference. Backed by a strong commitment to product diversification, the Indian vagina is set to enter the 21st century with applications and appliances, room fresheners and Christmas trees. Needless to say, we are delighted; our only grouse being that the products are somewhat limited in scope and vision. And so with an eye to the future we present a small list of potential uses and a plea that we all broaden, rather than tighten, our imagination.
From Salman Khan to Amitabh Bacchan, male pattern baldness is a ubiquitous affliction of the modern Indian man. A good hair weave can set you back several thousand rupees. But why waste your hard-earned shekels when the solution lies literally under your nose? Instead of letting this font of cornocopic abundance go to waste in brazilians and such like, we present the Vagwig: For pates of every persuasion and dimension.
For those nostalgic for the lost era of glamrock, this handy dye will take you right back to David Bowie.
It is true; the vagina has limited functionality. But it is, however, particularly skilled at reproduction. But with characteristic lack of foresight, output is currently restricted to the propagation of merely our species. Instead, to fully harness the fecundity of which woman is capable we present Vagriculture: a kitchen garden in your kitchen! No added chemicals, pesticides or fertilizers. Locally produced, organic, artisanal production.
A company called ‘Linger’ recently offered a minty fresh solution to the problem of vaginas tasting like vaginas.Here at Kafila we present a novel new product, aimed at the discerning consumer: Vaginal flavored mints. Keep your breath sweet-smelling all day.
Speaking of agriculture,with its unerring foresight the Met department has now announced what the nation already knew. Things are bad folks, a drought is nigh. But, if properly treated, the vagina is a constantly renewable source of moisture (See Fig 1.4). No more anxious waiting for the rainclouds to darken our shores. With the correct care and attention the VCloud will insure the monsoon need no longer be an annual event.
Under the able guidance of Nandan Nilekani, we are eagerly awaiting the advent of the information revolution in everyday life. Sadly the UID has run aground. Never fear, a workable alternative is at hand, the VID. A fully electronic, biometric, informatic card: a single swipe determines if you’re an asshole.
Male plugs are universally in need of female sockets. We present the Motherlode of Voltage: Yoni-Yamini, Vajraa-Vahini, Vidyut-Tarang-Tatini, Apalachapala Chanchal Chudamani.
To tighten the screws of nuts everywhere.
The Vaginocular, the camera so lucida so obscura, all-seeing eye.
When most I wink, then do mine eyes best see,
For all the day they view things unrespected;
But when I sleep, in dreams they look on thee,
And darkly bright are bright in dark directed.
Then thou, whose shadow shadows doth make bright,
How would they shadow’s form form happy show
To the clear day with thy much clearer light,
When to unseeing eyes thy shade shines so!
So there you have it gentle readers. A catalog of ideas for small medium enterprises and our humble contribution to the Indian entrepreneurial spirit that the Newsweek so admired. Instead of uselessly hanging around ejecting infants, inhaling penises and contracting yeast infections, the vagina can now earn its keep. Not being product designers ourselves, we are sure you can do better than our modest effort here. Send us your ideas (accompanied by drawings) and we will feature our top favourites. We eagerly await your submissions.
From our drawing board to yours,
[Kafila Line of Product Design]