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Pakistan ka Jugraafiya: Kyunki Patras

March 16, 2013

This guest post by KYUNKI PATRAS is in Roman Urdu.
KYUNKI PATRAS ka yeh mazmoon Roman Urdu mein hain.

Pakistan samundr-e-kufr mein aik roshan jazeera hai.

Yahan ke log qudrat ki tamaam naimaton se araasta hein. Khoobsurat jheelen, khulay maidaan, dhool, mitti, shor-o-ghal, sab kasrat se paae jaate hein. Koyla itna ke jab dunya ke zakheeray khatm hojayenge tou tab bhi Mumlikat-e-Khudadad mein choolhay jaltay rahenge, gaarian chalti rahengi, karkhaanon mein rozgaar hoga, bijli hogi, khushaali hogi. Abhi kyunke dunya ke zakheeray khatm nahin huwe is liye ye cheezein yahan maujood nahin.

Pakistan ki thori badqismati ye hai ke is ke chaaro taraf dushman mumaalik basaya huwe hein, aik tarf Balochistan, aik tarf Sindh aur aik tarf Sultanat-e-Munkareen-e-Hind.

Behrooni saazishon ki vajhe se Pakistan dunya mein ab tak woh muqaam haasil nahin kar paaya jo shayid kisi bhi Sunni riyasat ka khudaai haq hai. Yehi vajha hai ke mulk ki difaa ke liye, har saal, sippah salaar ko qaumi khazaane ka aadha hissa saump diya jata hai. Baaki aadha woh khud hee le jaate hein. Per fauj ke anthak ikhrajaat ke bawajood kai barson se Hindu samraaj hamare daryaon se paani churaye ja rahi hai, Sutlej ko tou qeid hi ker rakha hai. Is silsilay mein Aqwam-e-Muttaheda mein darkhwast darj hai.

Hadood Arba:

Aapnay ghaur kiya hoga ke doosre mulkon ki nisbat Pakistan ko dunya ke naqshon per khaasa chota dikhaya jata hai. Halaanke usi naqshay per Cheen mashriq ki had tak aur Roos beghairti ki had tak phela huwa hai. Per Pakistan aisa hai ke beech mein dikhaayi hi nahin deta. Haqeeqat is ke bilkul bar-aqs hai.

Ab hamaara kaam mazmoon likhna hai, feeta lay ker pemaaish naapna nahin. Magr Pakistan ki vussat ka is cheez se andaaza lagalijiye ke yahan mukhtalif soobon mein mukhtalif din Eid manaayi jaati hai. Falkiyaat se waakif log samajh gaye honge ke ye sirf taveel faaslon per hi mumkin hai.

Mausam:

Yahan saal mein chaar mausam aatay hein, Mausam-e-Parhez-o-Tawaaf, Mausam-e-Imtihanaat, Mausam-e-Shaadi Byaa aur Mausam-e-Inqilaab. Baqi mausamon ke iw’z ye aakhri mausam har saal nahin aata, balkay aksar anay ke vaade hi kerta reh jata hai.

Baqi mausam har saal aatay hein.

Mausam-e-Imtihanaat saawan ke maheenay mein aata hai, is mein baadal aur waledain garajtay hein, aik toofani hawaon se aur doosray parchon ke nataaij se. Chand hafton mein baadal tou tham jatay hein, per waledan kai arsay tak garajtay rehtay hein. Talib-ilm masoomyat ki chatri orrh ker beth bhi jayen tou afaaqa nahin hota. Talib-ilmon ki bahaali ke liye bhi Aqwam-e-Muttaheda mein darkhwast darj hai.

Sardion mein Mausam-e-Shaadi Byaa boht shaan-o-shaukat se aata hai, apnay saath daawaton ke ambaar laata hai. Kai hone walay mian beewi ko apni hi shaadi chorr kar aur jagaa haazri deni parrti hai, milansaari se majboor log subha se shaam gher nahin lot’te. Phir kapron ke kharchay alag, salaamian alag, kangaal hojaate hein, awazaar hojaate hein, beemar murghaabion jaisi shaklein lay ker bethe rehte hein, magr shaadi nahin chortay.

Mausam-e-Parhez-o-Tawaaf har saal ramzaan ke mubarak maheenay se shuro hota hai, aur hajj ke mubarak maheenay per khatm. Agr qismet achi ho tou in maheenon ki bhi sardion mein hi aamad hojati hai. Verna inki barkat mein kami mehsoos hone lagti hai. Ramzaan mein log farsh per jabeen-posh rehte hein, kabhi ibaadat mein, kabhi bhook se nidhaal ho ker. Ramzaan sabr-o-tahammul sikhata hai, khaali peit aik doosre ko bardaasht kerna koi mazaaq nahin.

Phir Hajj ke liye log Saudi Arab ka rukh kartay hein. Waise tou zindagi mein aik martaba ka hukm hai, per jin se pehli baar sahi se naa ho paae, woh dobara bhi chalay jatay hein. Wapsi per apne liye wahan ke babarkat kuwen ka paani laate hein, aur doosron ke liye yahan ke kuwon ka paani rakh lete hein.

Zara-e-Aamad-o-Raft:

Pakistan mein tarha tarha ke jahaz chaltay hein. Fizai, behri aur manshiaati. Iss akhri ka safar sab se araam de hota hai. Sarkon ka safr araam de nahin hota. Kai sarkon ki haalat dekh ker shak parta hai ke intizaamiya mazdooron ko tameer ke nahin, tabaahi ke paise deti hai. In per safr kerna barri jasaarat ka kaam hai, issi liye aksar sawaarion ke peeche ‘ghaazi’ aur ‘mujaahid’ jaise laqb rang-aamez hote hein.

Koh-o-Dasht:

Pakistan mein dunya ka sab se buland jangi maidaan paaya jaata hai, Siachin. Yahaan dushman ko maarne ka takalluf nahin kerna parta, thand se khud hi mar jaata hai.

Yahan Murree ke pahaar hein. Mehmaka-e-taleem ke mutaabiq Murree ka daura bachon ki taleem ke liye behad zaroori hai, ye ilmi ziarat teen chaar martaba kerayi jaati hai. Yahan bachay tambaaku noshi, charas, sharab aur deegar burayon ke buray asraat se baseerat afroze hote hein.

Arsa-e-daraaz se Pakistan mein beshumaar jungle byabaan the, lekin ye ishq-o-aashiqi jaise fazool mashghalay ko farogh dene lagay, log sheir-o-shairi ki taraf maael huwe jaa rahe the. Sarak per chaltay jis ka dil chahta tha misra keh jaata tha.

Jaise, “tumhara aur mera naam jungle mein darakhton per abhi likha huwa hai, tum kabhi jaa ke mita aao”, ya “ghanay darakht ke neechay sulaa ker chorr gya, ajeeb shakhs tha sapne dikhaa ker chorr gya.”

Ye na qaable qabool halaat the. Shaair seedhi baat ko uljha kar pesh kerta hai, jis se muashray mein fasaadat paida hote hein, hukmaranon ke ikhtiyaraat kam hotay hein, riyasat kamzor hoti hai.

Kamyaab muashra wohi hai jo apnay shaairon per qaboo paa le.

Isi liye in junglon ko kaat ker ujaar kar diya gya hai.

Waise bhi darakht achay nahin hote. Ye saaya tou dete hein, per jinnon ka, bhooton ka, churailon ka, saaya parr janay ki soorat mein forun kisi peer se raabta karein. Woh aap per ruhaani kalmaat parh ker phoonke ga, aap ki jeib se paise ka bojh halka karega, is se ataat milegi. Agr aapkay qareeb koi peer nahin tou is mazmoon ko chaar bar parh ker apnay ooper phoonk lijiye, khuda behtar karega.

Darakhton ki adam-maujoodgi mein bhi kabhi kabhaar sheir ubhar ker aa jaate hein. Is filbadi shaairi ke khilaf Aqwaam-e-Muttaheda mein darkhwast darj hai.

Punjab:

Punjab is mulk ka sab se abaad sooba hai. Zaroorat se ziada abaad. Yahan khaanay mein mashoor hai, khayali pulao, dimagh ki khichrri, per log juggatein bhi shauq se khaa lete hein. Yahan ke log barray dil, khulay dil, aur deegar amraaz-e-qalb ka shikaar rehte hein.

Punjab ke hevanaat mein mashoor hein sher, bheriye, Jatt, Gujjar, Arayin, waghera. In mein Arayin sab se khatarnaak janwar samjhe jaate hein. Inhi ke baaray mein kahaawat mashoor hai, ‘kaam na kaaj ka dushman anaaj ka’.

Yahan ki mehmaan nawazi mashoor hai. Bin bulaye kisi ke gher chalay jana aur wahan maheena dou maheena rehna yahan ka aam dastoor hai. Jhagray hojatay hein, adalaton mein karwaai chal parti hai, magr mehmaan nahin jaatay.

Punjab ka aik masla ye bhi hai ke idhr Punjabi bohut ziada hein.

Ehem Shehr: Lahore. Pakistan ka Paris. Jahan Minaar-e-Pakistan, Shahi Qila, Shalimar Bagh, Jinnah Bagh aur Rana Science Academy jaisi qaabl-e-deed jaghein paayi jaati hein.

Faisalabad. Is shehar ko angrezon ne abaad kiya, per bhugat hum rahay hein. Kisi zamanay mein iska naam Lyallpur hota tha, phir Lyall saahib ki apni hi farmaaish per badal diya gya. Faisal ne abhi tak Aqwam-e-Mutahhida mein darkhwast darj nahin ki.

Rawalpindi. Agr Islamabad Pakistan ki dulhan hai tou Pindi uski andhi, behri aur goongi behan. Aaj say chalees baras qabal yahan koi qaable-e-zikr cheez nahin thi, khuda ki rehmat se aaj bhi nahin hai.

Jehlum. Jahaan ke darya per Raja Porus ne Iskandar-e-Azam ko qaatil bana kar ikhlaqi fatah hasil ki. Is darya nay seinkron lashkaron aur bhainson ke rukh badlay hein.

Janoobi Punjab:

Janoobi Punjab mein kaafi zameen hamaray deeni murshid, Sheikh sarkaar ke liye muntakhib hai. Yahan har saal aaker woh shikaar kartay hein. Teetar, bateir, suur, murghabi, waghera ka. Is ke badlay woh humay Ummat-e-Muslimeen ka hissa rehne ka, aur Islam ka qila kehlanay ka aizaz bakhshtay hein. Jaanwar nahin bakhshtay.

Ahl-e-watan ko sirf aik doosray ka shikaar karne ki ijaazat hai.

Ehem Shehr: Multan. Madinat-ul-Auliya. Yahan har guzray huwe shakhs ke naam aik mazaar hai. Agr aap bhi apnay kisi phupphi, taaye ki qabr per gaddi nasheen hona chahte hein, tou maiyyat Multan le jaiye.

Idhr aam aam hein, balkay baqi phal bhi aam hein.

Mazeed Janoobi Punjab:

Mazeed janoobi Punjab Ghotki se shuro hota hai aur Karachi per khatm.

Yahan ki zameen, us per rehne walay insaan, us per ugnay wali ghaas, us mein reengnay walay keeray makoray, vaderon ki malkiyat hote hein. Hawa mein urnay wala parinda bhi vadere ki ijaazat ke bagheir par nahin maar sakta.

Is se maloom hota hai ke vadera hona barri azmaaish ka kaam hai.

Saara din beth ker parindon ki ladeeda parwaaz ki takmeel kerna, logon ke masaail ko nazr andaaz kerna, moochon ko tel lagana, teil laga ker taao dena, asladaar sipahyon ko saara din kharay rehtay dekhna, beewion ke naam yad rakhna, sahi begum ko sahi naam se awaaz dena, ghalat naam se pukaarnay ke baad unki maafi ke sath ye vaada qabool kerna ke kal se woh apna naam badal ker wohi rakh le gee jis se mukhtaib kiya gya tha, sharbat-e-jau se daar geeli kerna, moochon se sharbat-e-jau ke qatray nichorna, aur raat ko sonay se pehlay moochon ko dobara tao dena; aisi taqdeer se khuda bachaye.

Ehem Shehr: Karachi. Sumundr ke kinaray basnay wala Pakistan ka sab se barra shehr. Samundr ki sarsari nigah se yoohn lagta hai jaisse saari dunya se koora laa ker yahin phenka jaata hai. Aisi baat nahin. Darasal koora banane mein ahl-e-shehr beyhad mahaarat rakhte hein. Bacha bacha koora tameer karnay ka fan jaanta hai.

Yahan ke log ishtiraakiyat pasand hein. Karachi mein sab barabar hotay hein. Woh barabar mein betha hai, uska barabar ka bangla hai, usne barabar ki jeib se pastol nikaal kar mera batwa cheen liya hai, waghera.

Karachi mein saara saal mausam ki haraarat ziada rehti hai. Kyunke garmi mein cheezon ke phelne ka amoom hai, is liye Karachi pichlay peinsath baras se khaasi faraakht haasil kar chuka hai. Aas paas ke rehne waalon ko aksar khabar hoti hai ke ab woh Karachi ka hissa ban chuke hein. Is besaakhta phelao ke khilaaf bhi Aqwam-e-Muttahida mein darkhwast darj hai.

Idhr ke log ahl-e-zabaan samjhay jatay hein, per unko khud samajhna mushkil hai. Aik tou har waqt moohn mein paan hota hai, phir moohn tehrra karke ayin-ghayin bolne aur halaq se qaaf nikaalne mein bhi kuch maa’ni kho jaate hein. Bhaari Urdu bolte huwe unke saans aksar phool jaate hein, moohn neelay, peelay aur laal hojatay hein, hichkolay aane lagte hein, kai buzurgon ke tou daant hi phurrak kar baahir gir jaate hein.

Pakhtunkhwa:

Aik sooba Khyber Pakhtunkhwa ka bhi hai. Yahan Pathaan rehte hein. Kai daanishwaron ne ye sawaal uthaya hai ke akhir Pathaan yahan kyun rehte hein? Kis se pooch kar rehte hein? Kahin aur kyun nahin rehte? Behrhaal, ab rehte hein tou kya hosakta hai. Rehne dijiye

Yahan ki sughaat mein mashoor hai baarood aur naswar, ziada mikdaar mein ye dono jaan levaa saabit hote hein.

Ehem Shehr: Peshawar. Kisi zamaane mein yahan se aik sarrak Dilli tak jaaya kerti thi, ab kyunke ye safar teh karnay ki qata’n zaroorat nahin, is liye ye sarak Lahore se waapis ajati hai. Peshawar se aik sarak Jamrud bhi jaati hai, wahan se shauqeen mizaaj logon ke liye khushiaan laati hai. Gird-o-nawa mein aisi bhi jaghein hein jahan ab sarkein nahin jatin, jaanay say darti hein. Wahan ab sirf fizaai tyaare jaate hein, woh bhi musaafron ke bagher.

Balochistan:

Ye Balochistan hai. Ye kisi zamaane mein Pakistan ka hissa hota tha, phir yahan khud mukhtaari aur haq-e-infiraadyat jaisi muzhar vabayen phel gayin. Yahan ke log aksariat pasand hone lage, jo ke askariat pasand hone se ziada khatarnaak hai.

Salaar paak ne inki ayadat ke liye mufeed nuskha pesh kiya, aik goli subha, aik dupehar, aik shaam, magr kayi baras goliaan khanay ke bawajood ye log ilaaj se mehroom rahe. Issi liye inko mulk ki samaat se kharij kerdiya gya hai.

Chand log ye bhi kehtay hein ke Balochistan kabhi sooba tha hi nahin, mehez mansooba tha. Yahan darasal gas boht hai. Gas ki zyaad’ti se dil mein matli aur peit mein uljhan rehti hai, isi liye ye gas forun baqi mulk mein taqseem kar di jaati hai.
Baloch logon ko ahl-e-watan se bohut shikvay hein. Sab se barra ye ke inki baat koi nahin sunta. Hum kaun hotay hein qadeem ravayaat ko torrnay walay.

Ehem Shehr: Darul-hakoomat ke mutaabiq yahan ke koi shehr ehem nahin.

Kashmir:

Kashmir ki mulki hadood mein shamooliyat per taveel arsay se larayi rahi hai, Hinduon ke sath bhi, aur Kashmirion ke sath bhi. Sach tou yehi hai keh yahan ki Musalman vaadiyan, Musalman jheelein, Musalman pathar, Musalman gadhay, ghoray, khacchar waghera Pakistan ki zeir-e-hakoomat mein hi aate hein. Per sach ka kya mul, kisi daam bech lo.

Ab halaat yeh hein ke aik Kashmir azaad hai aur aik Kashmir ghulaam, per ye koi nahin jaanta ka kaunsa kahan per aur kis ke naqshay mein paaya jata hai. Is behas-o-tamhees ke khilaaf bhi Awam-e-Muttaheda mein darkhwast darj hai.

(Kyunki Patras kabhi Ibless kehlaye jaatein hain aur kabhi Haseeb Asif. Lahore ki galiyon mein inko kuch logon ne dekha hain. Aapnay Pakistan ki tareekh per inka mazmoon padha ho ga.)

15 Comments leave one →
  1. March 16, 2013 1:46 AM

    Bahut khoob miyaan…kya likha aapne. Tabiyat khush kar di. Bahut din baad itne aala darze ka satire padhne ko mila.Waise hamari urdu jara kamjhor hai….magar itna to hum samajh hi lete hain ki hasne wali cheez par has sakein . Aapke agle post ka intezaar rahega.

    Wiase agar kabhi hamaare blog ki taraf ghoomne nikalein, to bande ne Pakeezah par ek post likha hai…to jara gaur farma lijiyega.

  2. bilal permalink
    March 16, 2013 2:41 AM

    ” Cheen mashriq ki had tak aur Roos beghairti ki had tak phela huwa hai” … classic :)

  3. March 16, 2013 2:59 AM

    May be I am classic oriented,but this is no match to the original “Lahore ka Jughrafia”.Sorry.

  4. Samina Motlekar permalink
    March 16, 2013 5:59 PM

    No one does satire in the subcontinent like the Pakistanis. Am a huge fan of both Mohamed Hanif and Moni Mohsin and now yours too.

  5. March 18, 2013 9:33 PM

    Great job! Aala kardia bhai hans hans ke pet main dard hogaya. Beautifull written. A little apprehensive about Kashmirm, but the rest had me in splits :D

  6. waqas permalink
    March 19, 2013 1:11 AM

    Ye na qaable qabool halaat the. Shaair seedhi baat ko uljha kar pesh kerta hai, jis se muashray mein fasaadat paida hote hein, hukmaranon ke ikhtiyaraat kam hotay hein, riyasat kamzor hoti hai……………great

  7. patnaikt permalink
    March 19, 2013 9:40 AM

    Very well written! Thanks!

  8. Qudsia permalink
    March 19, 2013 2:36 PM

    Amazing! Reading this made my day :)

  9. Ali Abbas permalink
    March 24, 2013 6:43 PM

    Urdu ki is baysakhta paamaali par bhi aqwaam e mutahidda mein darkhwast darj karani parray gi :)
    … truly hilarious… despite having known Haseeb Asif for a decade and a half, I’ve never failed to learn ‘new’ urdu words that he creates himself…

  10. March 31, 2013 2:13 AM

    Jiss ney ayy blog nai parheyya, oh kadee hanseyya hi nai !

    Hilarious till stomach cramps… :D :D

  11. March 31, 2013 5:09 AM

    hilarious.. bahut khoob..

  12. March 31, 2013 8:21 AM

    Bohat arsay kay baad mian “LAZIZ” urdu ka tarka paya i stand educated on manshiati jehaz samait bohat si nai ijadddat stay blessed and promise that u will keep writing till last I see a great hope in future for you as a MUKALMA BAZ. Thanks for making my day stay blessed

  13. March 31, 2013 8:44 PM

    Awesome stuff…….what a fantastic and really stinging sarcastic commentary on the current situation in Pakistan !!!

  14. April 21, 2013 11:51 AM

    Made my day.

  15. Salima Hashmi permalink
    December 10, 2013 9:15 AM

    Am thrilled to see you are still going strong!

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